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How To Suck At a First Date: The Clean and Jerk

June 7, 2010

"No homo."

I know you were evidently trying really hard to suck at this first date, but my standards for suckery are pretty high, and I hate to tell you, but you fell short. You’re going to have to try harder at sucking.

You definitely showed promise with the overhanded forking method of table manners. Truly. I mean, you attacked your food like it stole something, and shoveled it into your mouth with your fork like you were afraid it was going to bite you back, and for that I commend you, but you’re going to have to ramp up the efforts if you plan to make it past the amateur division of really, really sucking, so here’s some pro tips you might find useful.

Talk about your muscles a lot. Because even though you texted me four pictures of you doing squats and then showed up in tight jeans, an Affliction shirt (three sizes too small, good form) and cowboy boots, I hadn’t quite noticed your scary, rippling, shaved and tanned manflesh. So I need for you to bring it up. A lot. Tell me about your workouts, because I’m fascinated. Tell me about the supplements you’ve tried, because I don’t have anything to add to this conversation and I like feeling lost and stupid. Brag to me that you’ve seen Army Rangers cry at the sort of physical challenge your workouts present, because I really like it when people insult veterans and military personnel. And if I don’t take the bait, you’ve got to make it happen and tell me how many girls like to grope your muscles. Then actually show me how that 22-year-old was tweaking your nipples in the bar. Illustrate. As we said in English class, “show, don’t tell.” I mean, you went to English class, right? No? Of course. I should have known better.

That 22-year-old nipple-pincher provides the perfect segue to your next challenge: you need to tell me about how many girls you sleep with. Truly, I can’t help my reaction. I’m a simple girl, and my choices in men are made primarily on instinct. If you tell me how many other girls want you to fertilize their eggs, I’ll understand what a hot commodity you are, and you can fertilize mine, too. Don’t waste time trying to be charming when you can just tell me how every other woman finds you charming. I’ll take your word for it, and trust that their judgment is pretty solid. I’d like to hop right in bed with you and your muscles, so please give me the references I need to give you clearance. Let’s save time here.

Have I not crawled into your lap yet? Okay, then. Order another round (because I told you I’m done drinking but I don’t mean it, obviously) and tell me about your paychecks. Your job of testing the emissions of coal-fired power plants is absolutely fascinating, and I want to know more. But by “more,” I mean that I want to know what all girls want to know: how does this affect me? Namely, can you provide? Reassure me. Tell me how much you make. Really make it look legitimate by telling me exactly what your tax returns said last year, because really, I want to know. It’s the first date. I’m interviewing you for marriage, clearly, and if you pass, we’re going to be filing jointly, so this is important and relevant information. Look out the window and point to your car as proof. Then remind me that not everyone who drives a $75,000 car has a small penis. If you wink while you say it, I’ll know you’re not lying!

The plates have been cleared, the tab’s been paid (thanks!), but now it’s time for you to close the sale. Here’s where the strategy comes into play: you’ve got to show me that, though you’re clearly a strong man with lots of money and plenty of popularity with the ladies, I’m different from most girls (and thanks for noticing that), and I need to know you’re sensitive, too. The best way for you to communicate that to me is this: Very carefully, slip into the conversation that you’ll do anything for your special lady, including agree to a threesome with another guy. I want to hear about how you loved her enough to help her get her doublestuff on, and I’m definitely impressed with that rock-solid masculinity which allows you to cross swords, so to speak, with another guy. Tell me about how you sucked him off then pegged him and what it felt like to get that off your bucket list. You sound erudite  and urbane when you tell me that “an ass feels like any other, male or female,” so say it a couple of times to be sure it sinks in. Remind me that you’re open-minded enough to try it again, in case I’m game. And just so I don’t misunderstand, follow it up with “no homo.” That way we’re clear that you’re not actually gay. You’re just sensitive.

And congratulations. You’ve now officially sucked at this first date.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Coco permalink
    June 7, 2010 8:34 pm

    “Then remind me that not everyone who drives a $75,000 car has a small penis. If you wink while you say it, I’ll know you’re not lying!”

    OMG, I can’t read your posts at work any more. This was hilarious.

    P.S. Is the dude in the picture real, or is that Photoshop Madness? Because OW my eyes! He looks like a really weird Michelin Man with a six-pack and a tan.

  2. BitterCupOJoe permalink
    June 8, 2010 7:06 pm

    Sadly, that’s not a photoshop. That’s a (I think former) champion bodybuilder. At some point in the mid-90s, bodybuilding stopped being about symmetry of form and trying to attain aesthetic perfection and instead became a contest to see how HYOOOGE one could get, given enough “supplements.”

    • Coco permalink
      June 8, 2010 9:50 pm

      I was afraid of that. *sigh*

  3. SugarSnapPea permalink
    June 17, 2010 5:05 pm

    What ? That pictures not photoshopped?
    I can’t read this at work either – ” cross swords”.
    Oh my, too funny.

  4. SugarSnapPea permalink
    June 18, 2010 3:16 pm

    I can’t get that picture out of my mind. How does he wipe his butt?

  5. July 7, 2010 7:52 pm

    terrific. “you’ll do anything for your special lady, including agree to a threesome with another guy.” Did your heart drop??

  6. August 24, 2010 9:47 pm

    Ummmm. Sounds the first date isn’t the only thing he sucked… er, at….

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