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Odd Goods, Litigious Edition

May 26, 2010

I’ve been lucky enough to know, date, love and be friends with a lot of lawyers over the years. Seriously, I’m like the chicken soup for the litigious soul, and as I scroll through my list of Facebook friends and then do the simple math, I see that 13.2% of my friends are lawyers. Thirteen point two percent! That’s a lot of free legal advice, y’all, and considering that I run a blog that makes fun of people who are so obviously unstable, I’m gonna need those kinds of pals at some point. If you don’t have your own handy pocket lawyers, I suggest that you get some, STAT.

Over the years, I’ve learned how to date lawyers, and I actually kind of enjoy it. (Pro tip: don’t expect to be wealthy. I’ve known lawyers who lived in their cars. Hondas at that.) In honor of the lawyers I’ve dated, the lawyers who occasionally wrote strongly-worded correspondence on my behalf and the lawyers who, bless them, put a lot of effort into being very good, supportive, loyal and trustworthy friends to me, I give you this: the best singles the legal community has to offer. Go on and date them, but just make sure it doesn’t count as billable hours.

Wow. It’s like, instead of teaming up with Silent Bob, Jay went to law school on a hackey sack scholarship and somehow managed to read the middle third of a paperback thesaurus in the bathroom during his coke binge-induced shit sessions. So what’s he doing now that (we assume) he passed the bar? “Carving out moments of ecstasy and clarity from the incessant entropic ferocity of time.” Your honor, I rest my goddamned excellent case.

For two reasons we hope that English is not your first language. First off: nobody who claims to be an attorney has any business actually using words like “puppy” and “kitty” unironically. Second: that hat makes you look like you work at EPCOT, hoss.

So what is it you do again, toolbelt? Because I don’t think I noticed the first 150,000 times you mentioned it.

So hey, what do you do?  “I decided to become a criminal lawyer. I figure with Michigan basically becoming a Third World economy, if I can’t get a job as a prosecutor, I can always defend people and profit off their misery. Christ. No wonder people hate lawyers.” Okay. Well then. I’ll be here on the other side of the bar avoiding eye contact.

Homeschooled on an ostrich ranch? Reeeaaaaally. I can’t decide if I want to make fun of you, beat you up or sleep with you. (Okay, who am I kidding. We all know I’m game for all three.)

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Brenda permalink
    May 26, 2010 3:01 pm

    Mr. Ostrich Ranch actually sounds like some fun!

  2. May 26, 2010 10:58 pm

    Please tell me that you’re airing the vetting process, and that you didn’t date any of these phenomenal losers. On the other hand, I can’t believe that they didn’t call me when they took your posting photo. My legs are waay better than theirs.

  3. Hindenberg permalink
    May 27, 2010 12:49 am

    Hondas are reliable and sensible automobiles for the money-conscious lawyer-slave.

  4. May 27, 2010 12:40 pm

    @Dan: This is voire dire writ large. I have not been out with any of these people. Nor do I intend to go out with them. Not even the kid homeschooled on an ostrich farm.

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