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Odd Goods, Warcraft Edition

May 19, 2010

I once had a boyfriend cancel a date with me because he wanted to go on a raid with his hoarde. “But… we planned that. And I have tickets to this show,” I said.

“But I bought a bunch of Diet Mountain Dew and Doritos,” he said. And I continued to have sex with him for at least four more months. Obviously, the men are not the only ones here who are crazy.

This is the problem with dating very smart men. The Venn diagram overlap between the very smart and the very asocial is thick, and we’re left with a pool of men who are brilliant, and yet apply that brilliance to some fucked up 12-sided-die LARPer gaming bullshit. They could be curing things. Making things. Developing new things that will change the lives of everyone in the world, close the economic disparity between sub-Saharan Africa and North America, clean up that goddamned oil spill or even get their fellow dorky brethren laid.

They don’t, though. And I don’t get it. You sit at your desk in a climate-controlled interior room (because you’re a database administrator, and you gotta keep an eye on the servers, right?), and you bitch and moan about how you have to put up with everyone else’s stupidity and bullshit and perform these totally meaningless, repetitive tasks, and then you come home, nuke a Hot Pocket, log onto your WoW server and then, you know… put up with everyone else’s stupidity and bullshit and perform some totally meaningless, repetitive tasks, and pay real American dollars for the pleasure of doing so.

There are girls who dig Warcraft. I know. But I’m pretty sure there are more dudes who pretend to be girl night elf mage wizard what-have-yous, and I hate telling you this, fellas, but you’re totally kinda somewhat unfuckable. Like, you don’t even deserve a pity fuck on this one, boys. Let’s examine:

Awesome shirt, dude. That’s sure to bag the ladies. And if it didn’t, the FIVE times you mentioned WoW will totally make the magic happen.

Awww, punkin. You’re depressing the FUCK out of me right now. Not just the whole “quiet evenings alone” thing, but only one functioning nostril? BRB gonna go cut my wrists KTHNXBAI.

Okay, actually, the Warcraft thing is the least of your worries here, hoss. I’m busy being confused as to how “Olympian” is the only word in the whole fucking profile that you spelled correctly. (And good luck on your marriage and whatnot.)

I don’t have anything to add here, except that I admire your forthright honesty. And yours, too, Dude Who’s Got All He Wants.

You are the foxiest samurai I’ve ever met, and that +1 armor shirt is completely drenching my panties right now.

And then… there’s this: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Guys– seriously. This isn’t how you land a girl. I’m not suggesting you lie about who you are (because if there’s one place that doesn’t tolerate dishonesty, it’s the internet, amirite?), but I do suggest that you think for just a minute and ask yourself if you look like you got dressed in the dark, if your essays indicate that your life is the sort of thing that a special lady friend might want to share, if you’ve made room in your world for such a lovely creature, and if YOU would actually let you into your pants. Then make the appropriate changes.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Hanne permalink
    May 20, 2010 11:50 am

    I am pleased to announce that my own personal geekboy has never played WoW and has no interest in it whatsoever. He also has social skills, is averagely diligent about grooming, is very well liked by all my friends, and voluntarily does household chores. For all of this I thank the fact that he was, essentially, raised to be a northern Californian lesbian feminist in the 1970s.

    However, and in contradistinction to this upbringing, he knows when a haircut suits him and when it doesn’t.

    A good geek is hard to find, yo.

  2. Hindenberg permalink
    May 21, 2010 12:51 am

    You’re trolling for men on OKStupid; there’s your problem. J-Date’s where you find all the choice manly men.

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