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Odd Goods, Pervert Edition

May 16, 2010

Last night I was having dinner with a friend of mine (who, bless his heart, is kind of a dating disaster himself), and I explained to him that by this age, everyone single is single for a reason, and the most common reason is that they are fucked up. Asocial, maladjusted, a little crazy, pervy, not that bright, daddy issues, mommy issues, anger issues, legal issues, what have you. “The odds are good,” I explained, “but the good are very, very odd.”

To illustrate my point, here then is a collection of just what I’m talking about.

No, I do not want to hang out in your hot tub. In fact, there are not enough American dollars to get me into a hot tub with you.

So, if the picture with the Cosby sweater and the teddy bear wasn’t enough, you scanned your driver’s license, And then told us you’re polyamorously cuddly. This is some Megan’s Law shit, son.

Thanks for giving my your number (“Ask for Carl,” you said) but I really think I would rather shoot myself in the head than let you “kiss me all over.”

Sorry about your wheelchair, dude. Thanks for telling us all that you can TOTES satisfy a lady in every possible way.

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