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Hideous Chats, Redacted: Vol. I

May 12, 2010

Backstory: When I first moved to this city, I found this man through an online dating website. Not an online easy cheap sport fuck website, mind you. A dating website. I was shopping for boyfriends, not stunt cocks.

Turns out, I got neither. In this instance, what I got was a roundish, sallow and pale Jewish boy with a bad bend toward the nebbishy. He is originally from Savannah. He went to the University of Georgia and, by the decor in his apartment, believes that the University of Georgia is in fact the only place where one might purchase pictures for the walls of their home.

Sometime in 2007, I agreed to meet up with this young man at his apartment for what I presumed would be a get-to-know-you date and possibly (because I am not stupid) a hot makeout session. Again, I got neither.

Now, in May of 2010, he has approached me again, with apparently no memory of the event. Observe:

Redacted: hi i’m [redacted]. i must say i really loved your profile

Me: We’ve slept together.

Redacted: i dont think so. when was this?

Me: We’ve slept together, and it was really bad. So bad, in fact, that you’ve obviously purged it from your memory.

Redacted: ummm.. really? when?

Me: Oh, about three years ago.

Redacted: sure it was me?

Me: Yes. You had two of three bags of kitchen garbage propped by your front door and you had to move them to let me in or out. You had furniture made of coolers, cinder blocks and wooden boards. Your hands shook. You kissed miserably. You couldn’t stay erect long enough to keep a condom on. I still kind of feel like you owe me some money.

Redacted: why?

Me: Because I was in and out like a call girl. Because you were an ass. Because I deserve hazard pay.

Redacted: i’m sorry for the bad memory… and i’m sorry it wasn’t good

Me: Just do me the simple human kindness of leaving me the fuck alone, huh?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Laurie M permalink
    May 12, 2010 2:28 pm

    I love it. I am now thinking about dating and just living vicariously through your waking nightmares.

  2. Laurie M permalink
    May 12, 2010 2:28 pm

    Err. Not dating.

  3. SugarSnapPea permalink
    June 18, 2010 3:11 pm

    Hazard pay!! HA

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